SEX FILES: Meet phubbing — a silent relationship killer

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A couple of years ago, my friend was living with a man we’ll call Jake. It took her a few years to realize that he was already in a relationship – not with another woman, but with his smartphone. Entire evenings would pass with him barely acknowledging her with little more than a grunt, his face glued to his screen. His behaviour sent her into a tailspin of insecurity, making her feel that whatever content he was consuming on his phone was more important than their connection.

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It got so bad that the only way she could discuss relationship issues was by text message, even if they were sitting side by side – a revelation that nearly made my head explode.

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There’s a word for this kind of diabolical behaviour: phubbing. While it’s more common in long-term relationships, it can also wreak havoc on the early stages of dating.

What is phubbing?

“Phubbing is the new quiet relationship killer,” says Lisa Chen, a relationship expert and couples therapist. When one person snubs the other in favour of their phone screen, Chen says, “it sends an unintentional signal that they don’t care about their partner.”

It may feel rude to be on the receiving end of phubbing, but the motivations behind phubbing go deeper than just bad manners. For many, phubbing is a coping mechanism when they feel stressed, need a break, or are emotionally overloaded. “It can reflect an avoidant attachment pattern where the distraction feels safer than being with their own emotions or another’s emotions,” says Chloë Bean, LMFT, a somatic trauma therapist who specializes in attachment wounds, high functioning anxiety, and toxic relationship patterns in women and couples.

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While the intention behind phubbing may not be malicious, “Partners experience it as abandonment because it replicates the feeling of ‘I am not chosen by this person right now’ or ‘I am not important enough to keep their attention,’ explains Bean.

Phubbing doesn’t create insecurity, but it can activate old wounds. In the case of my friend, it triggered childhood abandonment issues and cracks in her self-esteem that made her question whether she was “enough.” It also fueled paranoia. Who was he talking to if he wasn’t talking to her?

That said, not all screen time in a relationship is problematic. “Most of us have FOMO, and we are unnecessarily dependent on our devices,” reminds Chen. For some, spending time on their phone can be a way to decompress after a long day or to take a breather from being overstimulated. After all, who hasn’t lost themselves in TikTok cooking videos or a Reddit-fuelled rabbit hole when they need a break?

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“It becomes a red flag when someone consistently chooses their phone over being in the present moment or over opportunities for emotional connection,” says Bean. The strongest indicator that your partner’s screen time has become an issue in your relationship is feeling lonely even when sitting next to them.

There’s still time to turn things around

The good news is that you’re currently experiencing this in your relationship; there’s still an opportunity to turn things around. Bean says this starts with naming the behaviour pattern instead of blaming the person. For example, “Instead of saying ‘you’re always on your phone,’ say, ‘when you scroll during dinner, I feel far away and disconnected from you. Can we talk about our day?’ Using “I” statements gives the other person the opportunity to understand how their behaviour impacts you.

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The next step is to set boundaries and create small pockets of phone-free time throughout the day; for example, no phones during mealtime or shared activities. Bean also suggests that couples use the last 30 minutes before bed for a phone-free activity, either together or separately. Partners could use this time to talk and share moments of gratitude from each other’s days. “These repair and connect rituals create more co-regulation opportunities that soothe the insecure or anxious partner and create more stability for when the phone use is present,” says Bean.

Lastly, to nix phubbing, it’s crucial to identify the “why” behind the behaviour. Is screentime providing relief from anxiety, boredo, and overwhelm, or is there something else going on? Speaking to a licensed therapist can help couples parse this out. As Bean reminds us, “When couples understand each other’s nervous systems and how they each respond to stress, their empathy can increase and defensiveness drops, making space for deeper connection!”

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